911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
You Might Also Like
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Who does Amazon think I am?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.