*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
You Might Also Like
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.