Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.