Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now