If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*mops up wine with cat*
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.