[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.