Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
True
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?