DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
In space, no one can hear…
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.