woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Whisper out to librarians!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’ve had worse
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die