I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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mariah carrie
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on