my dad when a sex scene comes on
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
We decided to have money instead of children.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.