Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.