Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Life cycle of cat
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.