When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
How about daylight saves us for once
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.