I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.