[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Just a phase…
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!