Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.