Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda