The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”