*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase