Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
getting corrected
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”