the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*