My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
hey, alexa
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh