We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You can’t rush stupid.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.