Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
You Might Also Like
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too