Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
water it, i dare you
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
May never get over this
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing