Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
There’s never enough good news
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.