Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*