My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Guantanamo Bae
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
the saddest jazz hands ever
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.