HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.