Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
You Might Also Like
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?