My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
wtf is a larm clock?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.