What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
that wasn’t the question
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here