[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
You Might Also Like
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’m pretty like a car crash.
bury ourselves
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None