imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car