If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
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getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s