[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
You Might Also Like
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress