*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.