The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. đź’©
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Sex so good you see dead people.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.