British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
This was a bad idea all around
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Otters drive ottermobiles.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.