shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
You Might Also Like
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.