me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Great Canadian literature.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Every. Damn. Time.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.