I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Britain be like
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Bobby pin
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.