Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I love the National Park Service.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible