Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
one of
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
A classic…
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?