Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Steam Forums
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.