I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I feel it
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space