A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.