Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Noah
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
The Onion called it…again.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
never compromise your values
The news is so predictable nowadays