ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony